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longing for the old

"And this year, I've got so much older." - Caamp


Lately I've been looking at pictures from the week before the world changed. And I have to say, they're painful to look through. A photo I took of my daughter looking for fairies, not knowing it was her last day of preschool- forever. A trip to San Francisco to see Guster with my brother and sister, not knowing it was the last time I'd travel and hang out for what seems like forever. And a picture of a ski trip we took with friends, not knowing that we wouldn't be making another annual trip this year.


Keeping things in perspective, I know this heartache and pain is trivial. I've stayed safe and healthy and there is a lot of love surrounding me everyday. And I know this is not the reality of so many. But even still, my heart is heavy. Even still, there is a longing to go back to pre-Covid days where masks and social distancing weren't a thing. Even still, I sit with the sadness of watching my kids watch teachers on zoom, mask up near friends, and handle each disappointment that this virus has brought them with a solemn acceptance. My heart holds the pain of my past and my present, and the pain of my family, friends, clients and even strangers. Just like many of you, I'm a full blown empath. And sometimes, it sucks.


I've been searching for a way to feel better, to just make this feeling go away over this past week. I'd like to share what I've done to help this aching for another part of my life, of all of our lives.


Numero uno... my hard is MY HARD. Not anyone else's. There should be no guilt surrounding that my hard isn't as hard as others. It's my hard. This doesn't mean I don't care for, love, learn about and help others. I can honor this and appreciate how well I've done throughout this. You can honor how hard things have been for you, and appreciate how well you've done.


Two... I release emotions surrounding this very topic: the pain of losing life as I knew it. You can do this too- identify the emotion, and swipe your hand over your governing meridian three time while saying, "I release this emotion of...." or call me :)


And three... I use this little Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It's called Ho'Oponoponopo, and it means to "set right". It pushes the delete button on memories that created your current situation. Does it make total sense to me? Nope, not at all. But I like it, and I would suggest you try it anytime you find yourself spiraling. It goes, "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you."

(Art work by the most talented artist I've ever met, A. Tobias)



Waiting in hope for the day we can hug again and stand close without wondering "Am I too close?" It WILL come. It has to.

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