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you're not a kardashian.

Updated: Jul 22, 2023

Suffering voluntarily. Putting other's needs in front of your own. Always. Doing everything yourself and not asking for help. Doing too much. Lack of self-care. People pleasing. Acting like the victim. All examples of the martyr complex. We all do it, some more than others. Moms are all-stars when it comes to this. But what if we stopped this shit? Stopped the idea that we're on some reality TV show being filmed and getting ratings based on how much we do for others, even if and when it causes burnout.

Take this scenario: It's dinnertime. The kids are lounging around like cats, and there is random shit everywhere. Literally, like everywhere. Socks on the kitchen table, counter, couch. Water bottles and snack bowls in places that make no sense. Shoes placed so perfectly in high traffic areas you'd swear someone has it out for you. Your overwhelm starts to build because you have to get dinner ready before baseball. You've already had a long day and there are 631 thoughts going through your head. Did I send that email? Wait, we're out of vitamins? What time do I have to leave? What day is it? Did I drink enough water today? We already had meat once this week. The kids don't eat enough vegetables. I certainly don't. Oh my God, climate change. And so on.... and so on... In the middle of these thoughts, come random questions being blurted out by the cats... Where is the remote? Why don't we ever have food? Why didn't we go to the pool? Why didn't we do anything today? Can you get better snacks? And so on... and so on...

Forget overwhelm, that has been overtaken by frustration and resentment. And in comes the martyr voice, as you grab socks and stuff them in your pockets so the dog doesn't eat them, banging around plates and picturing yourself getting in the car and driving into the sunset.

I guess I'll clean up again, I didn't even get to work out, I don't even have time to get water, after I make dinner I need to go take the dogs out again, no one even cares that I'm making dinner, no one even notices me. Why the fuck do these kids wear socks with sandals anyway? Has anyone even said hello to me today?

OK, HOLD UP. STOP THE RECORD. Take a breath, let's talk to the martyr for a sec. First, remember you are not Kim Kardashian, thankfully, and the cameras have left for the day. So you can chill. Ask the martyr (who is also playing the victim) to please move aside. Calm your nervous system. And remember, your nervous system is not logical... it does not understand that you're only stressed about making dinner and the mental load of life... it is reacting the same way it would if there was a real threat. It wants to feel safe. Slow down, take a break, even if it's for 10 seconds. Remind yourself you are safe. Take another breath. Use an energy medicine exercise. Drop your dang shoulders. And ask for help, nicely. Let go of what you can let go of. Not everything has to get done right now. Make dinner with an open heart. Appreciating the food, the people. Everything holds and takes on energy. Even food.

Dropping the martyr complex is necessary for our physical and emotional well being. When we take care of ourselves throughout the day, getting the basics down, like my sister says- we feel better. How couldn't we?? (And you do have enough time to drink water so please stop using that excuse). Start by noticing when the martyr shows up for a visit. And remember that many of us people please and self sacrifice to feel more appreciated and needed. Tend to yourself, what are you lacking to allow this martyr voice to continue? Also realizing that the word martyr and victim are very closely related... and that word doesn't sound as cool.

When we notice our patterns, we can change them. For today, notice the martyr (or victim) voice. And stop. What do you need? Take care of yourself in order to take care of others. Ask for help. Let go. BREATHE.

And maybe if we all band together and boycott socks with sandals, our days will be easier.

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Well written, Kris. I’m all in on boycotting the socks and sandals. Thanks for putting thjng in perspective and sharing this with all of us! Love ya! 💕

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